11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
