the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
