I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
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