According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
My vagina is officially offended.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
