I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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