I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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