I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Found the puke drawer
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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