God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
