i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
