I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
