i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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