i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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