miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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