Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
