Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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