The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
