All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
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