I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
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