On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
