How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize