he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
