if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
