Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
