Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
what day is it and did you see me today?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
