my vag is so smooth its legendary
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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