I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
