dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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