she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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