Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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