so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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