I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
