I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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