My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
