wakey wakey hands off snakey
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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