it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
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