As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
