Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
