Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Randomize
