So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
