If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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