im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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