worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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