God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
