you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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