The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
