I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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