god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
