every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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