well I can't set my house on fire every night
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
