I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
