I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
farters have to be the big spoon...
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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