dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
