Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
