Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Randomize