My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
