You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
