Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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