Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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