This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I need a burrito and a hug.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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