it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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