Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
