dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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