You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
