it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
