If i come over, it means nothing
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
