Can i not drive my cunt home
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
