Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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